Attachment to Avoid

It’s very common for women to multi-task between relationships, tasks, and events throughout the day. Unfortunately it’s also very common to lose your sense of self in those things. I found myself struggling to answer the question “tell me a little more about yourself” because I defined myself by the those attachments outside of me (I’m married, I have a child, I work at... as a...etc). 

It’s only been recently that I started asking “Who am I?” “What do I like to do for me?”, “Have I made time for myself to figure out the things I like?” (Mid-life crisis in your 30’s? Maybe). This was when I also started thinking about what I attach myself to in order to avoid answering these question.

I identified as many things: mom, wife, friend, daughter, co-worker. But what I couldn't identify was myself because of these attachments.

Attachment #1: Tasks and Work.

I have been attaching myself to tasks and assignments since I was in grade school. I love to learn and school was always fun for me. It turned into an unhealthy attachment when I didn’t know what I would do during the summer. I received positive reinforcement in school. I did well in it. I identified and defined myself with the tasks I completed correctly and had high marks on.

When I could get a job I attached myself to work. Then in college I attached myself to both. I was a student and a co-worker for such a long time. I even avoided having to hang out with people I knew because I didn’t know how to handle myself. I became so much more socially awkward.

Then into adulthood, I was no longer in school. I worked full time but what could I replace schooling with? Another job? Sure, I needed the extra money. Did the laundry need to be done? Yup, I put a load in. Did the dishes need to be put away? Yup, I did that. Did the living room need to be vacuumed? Yup, I finished that. The kitchen needed to be cleaned. I needed to go grocery shopping. I needed to pay those bills. I needed to write that ‘thank you’ note. I needed to call a friend or parent since I hadn’t in a long time. I needed to clean out the garage. I needed to walk the dog. I needed to do this, I needed to do that, I needed, needed, needed….

Now of course those tasks needed to get done at some point but if you were anything like me (and still am like this sometimes), you attach yourself to tasks like these just so you could avoid facing stillness and inevitably, yourself. 

You don’t know what to do with yourself when you have nothing to do. I found that it was so much more effort trying to figure out what you like. When I completed one task, I kept moving onto another. Or I started one task and then started another while one was finishing up. I just. kept. working.

Attachment #2: Being a Mom.

Mom may also equal nurse, nutritionist, therapist, coach, friend, dragon, police officer, anything that involves an imagination, etc. Being a mom is awesome. I love my kids but you do have to wear many hats and for a long time. After the little ones are in bed, I found myself doing their laundry or making their lunch the next day. Even after they’re in their second dream, I was still doing things for my little ones.

Now with COVID, you may have to add ‘teacher’ to your list. You end up filling your time up with their educational needs on top of their nutritional, physical, and emotional needs.

There’s of course a H U G E emotional attachment to your little ones. You devote your hearts and minds to them. Sometimes to the point where it effects you physically (like not being able to take a shower for a couple of days. Thank goodness for dry shampoo!). There’s a huge commitment with kids and one that is so fulfilling your heart can burst!

Again, attaching yourself to your kids is not a bad thing, it just doesn’t leave much time for “mom”. And as my massage therapist said to me the other day, (and something I N E E D to practice continuously thinking about): “You can’t be all the things to everyone”.

Attachment #3: Being a Wife/Girlfriend/Partner.

This is without being said, you attach yourself to a person who steals your heart. You fall and you fall hard. You have this connection that is so deep, you can’t picture being without this person. But sometimes this type of attachment changes you to the point where you don’t know yourself anymore.

You like what the other person likes, you sometimes even dress like the other person dresses (your sense of style changes). You even hang out with his or her friends over your own. You devote so much time and effort in this relationship that sometimes you forget why that person even fell for you in the first place. They fell for you. The good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the spontaneous, the rational, the ironic you that you had grown to be without them. And now you’re struggling to figure out who that was or is. 

It may be pride asking “How can she not know who she is?”, “How can she not know what she likes and doesn’t like?” In truth, literally NO ONE has said this except for the nay-sayer in your head. I didn’t/don’t know how to answer these questions because it‘s too scary to think about the answers. What if I find out that I don’t like myself? What if I changed? What if I act differently? What if I insult others? 

I avoided these questions because that was the best defense mechanism I could give myself. Unfortunately my self esteem and confidence plummeted in the process. Could I really be something else without these attachments? 

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a working wife and mom. My family is the most important thing to me and those roles shape a part of who I am. But let me specify, a P A R T of who I am. In order to be those things for other people, I needed/need to figure out the foundation and that’s me. What do I like/love to do that makes my soul happy?

So on your journey to discovering your sense of self, as you’re peeling away the layers that you attach yourselves with, what do you hope you’ll find? What kind of person do you think (or may even know) you are? How do you think you will react?

As soon as you start exercising this mindset, you’ll be on your way to Live More for you. I’m starting to do this myself.

//://://://

Guest Author: Liz K. Eason

Liz K. Eason currently lives in Madison, Wisconsin where she pretends to be a know-it-all in front of a computer when she would rather be spending time with her family. She spends her free time trying new recipes, reading boring books about wizards, and taking bubble baths. She lives with an annoyingly patient spouse and a wild child. She is a mom, wife, sister (and sister-in-law), daughter (and daughter-in-law), and overall chocolate lover. She‘s a work in progress but people still love her.