The Spirited Child

This is term we (Leanne and I) came up with for my then almost 2 year old. “Spirited”.

I joke that this child has been a pain in my ass since in utero. Almost 2 weeks late and broke my tailbone upon arrival, so a literal pain in the ass. It was a scheduled c-section as Baby #2 was presenting breech. One last ultrasound showed that #2 had decided to do a somersault and was ready to greet the world. After a very fast pitocin-induced labor, #2 was born.

To be fair, this baby was a great baby. Ate well, slept well, rarely cried. Baby #1 was colicky and miserable, so this was a relief, especially so as I had to return to work one week after delivery.

Then #2 became mobile.

Since then, #2 has been glued back together several times, been covered in bruises and bumps and scrapes, and has had me standing in an emergency room hallway being questioned about whatever event landed us there more than once.

At daycare, #2 had a close call with expulsion for kicking another kid off their chair just to put their feet up. A group of kids, including #2, left daycare and walked to another child’s home to see a new kitten.

When school began, I was so relieved. Already familiar with the staff, I felt like we could finally get into a good routine, fall into the school rules and patterns that we had already been talking about with #1.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha….

While I often heard “#2 is so kind and thoughtful and friendly and caring”…I also heard “#2 rushes through things, has to use the bathroom an awful lot, and is behind academically”.

This child was diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a 5 year old. This is very early, earlier than most.

That diagnosis has never sat well with me. At first I felt like it was my fault. I had been in a blackout drinking phase of my life when I learned I was pregnant, and so naturally I blamed myself. This guilt actually ate at me for years. I researched fetal alcohol syndrome and although #2 only met one or two of the most minor symptoms, I was convinced that was the case. I went to the pediatrician with my findings and his answer was “even if it is FAS, what will knowing that do?” His suggestion was to learn to live with whatever it was that was going on instead of dwelling on the things we couldn’t control. Weird, right? ;)

In my digging for other answers, I have always come back to Asperbergers. The criteria can go two different ways, and I could literally check off almost every single one on one of those lists. Again, there is no “treatment” for it, just management, so the expensive diagnosis was never followed through on.

YEARS of struggling with the loss of appetite/lack of growth due to medication and insisting on only using meds for school hours brought us to a level of frustration like no other. 28 minutes after taking that pill in the morning, the eyes would glaze over, the pupils would get real big, and #2 would check out. By the time school ended, #2 was itching to move and talk and make noise, which made life at home incredibly frustrating. Our days often ended in tears.

There were a few times that I had to take #2 with me to class, due to no school days or whatever. #2 loved it because they got to bring their Nintendo DS and play games for a full hour, get snacks out of a vending machine, and play cards with the professor while mom did homework. When that professor, who has Asperbergers, said “you know #2 is an Aspie too, right?” Takes one to know one! I knew it was time to start looking more into it.

All the ADHD books and websites had lovely ideas…but that’s all they ever ended up to be. We’d try some new technique for awhile and then #2 would either get bored with it or learn how to manipulate the situation to the point of me giving up out of frustration and exhaustion.

What I did do was start treating #2’s behaviors as though they were manifestations of Asperbergers. While it is still a daily struggle, this has brought us SO much more progress than anything else. We started working on learning social cues, facial cues, tones of voice, body language. Learning how to read others and their needs and wants instead of jumping right away at what #2 wants has been one of the most helpful things thus far.

For instance, #2 was always a hugger to the extreme. It was never just a hug though - if someone allowed #2 to hug them, #2 would cling until instructed to let go. We came up with a code word that I could say that meant “you need to take two steps back” without the embarrassment of mom “scolding” in front of others. Then we’d discuss it later, talking about the missed cues and what to remember to do next time.

I spent many years feeling guilty about this particular behavior; did I not show enough love and affection? Was I cruel and causing them to feel like they needed to seek safety in others? Was my own childhood experience leaking out into my parenting style without me realizing it?

Every single day I wake up wondering what will be in store for us; what mood will they be in? Will they be feeling motivated and determined to work on growth? Or will they feel stubborn and challenged? And then I go to the whiteboard and make sure that instructions and expectations are clearly laid out, reminders are given, and personal responsibility beyond that is taken.

We are down to 9 months before legal adulthood and I know deep in the depths of my soul that #2 is not ready to be a fully functioning adult. I know that my job as mom, leader, guide, and safety net will never be over. This quite honestly leaves me feeling tired, sad, frustrated, with a constant low hum of depression in the background. Mostly I feel sad that #2 will never be able to experience life the way I hoped and dreamed for my children.

Being the parent to The Spirited Child has been a struggle for 17 years. The guilt still gets to me, but I’ve learned to allow myself to feel it…and then remember that #2 is exactly who #2 is supposed to be.

I tell you all of this because parenting is hard. Parenting a Spirited Child is even harder. The constant negative energy can be a blow to the ego, the psyche, a relationship killer, a career, and affects EVERYONE in the household. I just want you to know that if you have a Spirited Child, you are not alone.

We all have struggles in life that keep us from giving ourselves 100%, so when my clients talk about their struggles with their children, you better believe I’m strapping on my listening ears and turning them all the way up. I sincerely believe that I do NOT have parenting mastered, not even a little bit. But if we can at least relate to each other, we’re going to be that much more successful working together.

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