The Holidays Really Don’t Have to Suck

Do you remember your very favorite Christmas as a child? Chances are you don’t remember every gift you received, but there was something magical about that particular day that really sticks out in your head. I want you to close your eyes, go there for a moment, feel the smile on your lips, and then come back to me.

I don’t remember any Christmases at home that I loved. There are pictures, but I don’t actually remember any of those Christmas mornings, waking up early to see what Santa brought, to see if he ate the cookies we put out for him, or even the smells of Christmas, like pine or warm cinnamon.

What I do remember is the yelling at my brother to slow down or even go back to bed (he was the Christmas morning early riser), I remember wondering why Santa had the same exact handwriting as my mother. 

And I definitely remember being overtired because the night before we had been in Milwaukee very late, celebrating with my mother’s extended family. Her aunt’s house always smelled of all the Christmas smells, the fireplace crackling, the black felt boot shaped cutout steps placed strategically on the floor, the perfectly decorated multi-layer red velvet cake, punch for the kids, and mountains of gifts that brought smiles and laughter to all who were there. 

We got to dress up for that celebration, which, as I got older, became very important. My hair perfectly crimped and poofed, an outfit sure to be approved by my super cool aunt, and plenty of grown ups around to tell me that they loved me and thought I looked just beautiful. How proud my grandfather would be if he could see me now!

At some point we stopped going there for Christmas, but I can’t really pinpoint when or why. We did always go to my mother’s step-mother’s house Christmas Day to celebrate with her and my aunts and uncles, which I loved just as much. Grandma’s house was home.

It definitely smelled like the giant real Christmas tree she always had, dinner cooking, and puppies. Grandma was a professional dog groomer-breeder-shower-haver-knower of all things dogs. Poodles and miniature dachshunds were always around, and no one hated it. 

Grandma called everyone by their first and middle names. The only time I ever heard my middle name otherwise was when I was in trouble, but hearing it come from Grandma’s mouth felt loving and warm. She’s a hold-nothing-back woman, speaking what’s on her mind and heart but never in an offensive “I can’t believe she just said that” kind of way. 

She spent far more time than any human should on wrapping gifts, making them look beautiful on the outside. She’d also take just as much delight in what was inside as the receiver, explaining what it was, why she thought you’d love it, and just beaming at her choice. Later, when she opened her home to me, she’d teach me the gift of wrapping beautifully.

Gosh, I love that woman.

As family members began to get married, have children, etc., some of the traditions started to change. Sometimes Christmas wouldn’t even be at Grandma’s house. Once the grandkids turned 18, we were thrown into the adult mix of picking names for the gift exchange. I only participated in this for a couple of years before I decided that it was time to start my own Christmas traditions with my own children.

See...my oldest would be with her dad and his family Christmas Eve. Every other year he’d bring her back to me so she could be with me Christmas morning, and the other years she’d come back later Christmas morning. Then she’d get to open gifts with me, rush off to wherever my family Christmas was that year, and then go back to dad’s to have Christmas with his wife’s family. The other kid wasn’t quite as difficult to schedule, but all I could do was look at my kids Christmas morning after they opened all their gifts and say, “okay, time to get dressed so we can go see people you barely know!”

I didn’t want that for them.

We’d still head to Grandma’s sometime during the break to celebrate with her, but I decided that Christmas Day was going to be for US. My children would have the luxury of enjoying their gifts, spending the day in their pajamas, eating snacks, and spending time in one place. It wasn’t their fault that they had two households and with that, several homes at which to celebrate. If I could do anything to make one day a year feel kind of normal for them, then that’s what I was going to do.

Some things that started happening that first year were things like backlash from my family, which was expected. Guilt for not participating in the adult gift exchange, guilt for keeping my children “all to myself”, and even guilt for not seeing them throughout the rest of the year was slung my way. I definitely allowed that guilt to settle in, questioning my decision for years to come. Now I can look back and see that I was the young, broke, single mom of two who made a healthy boundary. The fact that anyone would try to make me feel bad about that was a clear sign that it was time to do just that. Also, who puts more on the single mom’s plate? To hand me the sole responsibility of fostering those relationships throughout the year was ludicrous. 

But you know what else happened that first year? My kids got to relax. They got to open their gifts - all the way - and actually be kids. They got to snuggle up in blankets and eat on the living room floor while watching Christmas movies. They got to spend the day with their mom, rather than a bunch of strangers who shoved gifts at them and expected gracious, polite, excited faces. 

The thing is, I don’t regret setting that boundary one bit.

I wanted my kids to have happy memories of Christmas with me, at home, not being dragged around everywhere. And that’s what they’ll have. 

Some fun traditions that I’ve started with them and carry on even now are gifts from me versus Santa. The gifts from Santa are always wrapped in paper that has Santa on it. He doesn’t use tags, rather just a first initial with a Sharpie. He’s a busy guy, he doesn’t have time to write out gift tags! We did leave out cookies and milk, but also a few carrots for the reindeer as well. 

There was a Christmas land set up in the basement of a department store here where we’d go visit Santa every year. That store no longer exists, but the Christmas land now lives at our local museum where they set it up on a smaller scale for the same purpose. This year, with COVID, that didn’t happen, but we’ve not missed a year otherwise. 

If you’ll go back a few paragraphs, you’ll realize that I was alone on Christmas Eve. There were a few years here and there that I was dating someone and went to their family celebration, but mostly, that was my time. I would lie on the couch, wrapped in blankets, and watch my favorite Christmas movies. The Family Stone is my all time favorite, in case you were wondering. 

I never really felt sad that my kids weren’t with me Christmas Eve. It was just a little time to myself to relax and get in the Christmas spirit. I knew that after I said “no more” to going all over the place, I would have the entire next day with them. 

Now that Chuck and the boys are here, as well as the toddler, and my oldest is grown, things have changed a bit.

Santa is still on the wrapping paper. But Christmas Day gets later and later every year. Chuck doesn’t get his boys until late morning/early afternoon, depending on what their mom has planned, so we’ve adjusted to opening gifts until then. 

Also, now that my oldest has multiple homes to visit herself, along with her boyfriend’s families, I have to learn to take her when I can get her. This year they’ll be coming for Christmas dinner. I’ve learned to be very flexible with this because I don’t ever want her to feel the guilt that I felt. She is already starting to get it from a few others and if she’s learned anything, it’s that boundary setting is appropriate, healthy, and necessary.

We struggled with how to make Christmas magical for the toddler as she gets older. She only has us; no grandparents around, no “other” house, no “other” families. It has occurred to us that Christmas Eve has now become the perfect opportunity for her to have some Christmas spirit infused celebration, even if it’s just the three of us.

If you take anything away from this, I want it to be that just because the calendar says that you should be feeling jolly and loving and full of joy, doesn’t mean that you have to be. Especially in this year of uncertainty and experiences that we could have never imagined, many of us will be struggling just to cross the finish line of 2020. There is zero shame in this, by the way.

The best thing we can do is acknowledge that we feel this way. Rather than suppressing feelings, numbing with one too many eggnogs or a cookie platter, or even just keeping yourself so busy that you can’t think of anything else, consider allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Set aside some time for this if you need to. Cry, vent, journal. Give yourself permission to be human, even now.

If you’re feeling like everything is too overwhelming, too lonely, too stressful, too much, reach out. There are many support groups online, opportunities to volunteer (giving is a wonderful way to boost the spirit), or even join my private Facebook group, Live More Joy, for daily integrations of joy into your life. 

Looking at your expectations can also help. Remembering that is always okay to change or create new traditions and rituals. Having an open mind, getting creative, and being open to change can help to relieve some anxiety around things not quite looking the way they used to, whether that’s COVID related or not. As families change and grow, this is a wonderful opportunity to flex our adaptability muscles.

How good are you at saying no? Your yes is only as good as your no. If people pleasing is something you struggle with already, the holidays can add a whole other dimension of guilt, resentment, and feelings of overwhelm. However, the solution is already within you. If you decide right now to place value on your own emotional health, saying no becomes a little easier. And like the adaptability muscle, setting boundaries is another one that becomes stronger each time you flex it.

As always, if you’ve been feeling sad, anxious, unable to sleep, irritable, hopeless, unable to face routine chores for more than two weeks, please reach out for professional help. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

My wish for all of you is that you create this holiday so that it forever brings a smile when it lands in your memories.