Yikes. Also, hello. I’ve missed you.
It’s been about two years since I wrote a blog post. It’s been over a year since I did anything with my website, and it’s been just over 6 months since I got back to Living More.
Where have I been?
The shortest version of this requires me being totally vulnerable and admitting some things that aren’t easy.
In the summer of 2021 someone I considered a sister hurt me. We were at a social outing where we were all talking about our dreams. I had told her mine ten years ago, and since she was really the only one there who knew it, I reiterated it for the group. She whipped her head around and threatened my life if I pursued my dream without including her. Strange reaction, but okay. Then just a week or two later she text me that she was going to pursue my dream. After learning that she had already been working on this project for some time, I called her out on her reaction during our social outing while knowing that she already had plans in the works. From there she proceeded to gaslight the everlovin’ shit outta me.
I watched from the sidelines as she took my dream and proceeded to live it. Everything I hated about the health and wellness field was so much louder and right in my face. I was only hurting myself by allowing myself to continue following the progress of my dream come to fruition by someone who not only was very close to me for years, but was also becoming the epitome of all those things. The spiral was coming fast and without much notice, and I fell right down into it.
I stopped trying. I took a full time retail management job and practiced the phrase, “Healthcare is disgusting and I couldn’t be a part of it anymore. Now I help people this way.” And I continued to spew that lie for over a year. People who I had known before would come into the store with a look of surprise. We’d say hello, I’d give them my canned line and then the look of pity would settle in. They knew just as much as I did that I didn’t belong there - I belong here.
The worst part was that I had left “healthcare” and stepped right into an organization that from the outside should have been a positive place to work, but left many of us losing sleep, dreading going to work, and participating in things that went against our own beliefs and morals. I found myself falling right into those behaviors that come with the spiral (for me, anyway; your spiral behaviors may be different). I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was eating food that didn’t nourish me more often than not, I was drinking more than I wanted to admit, sleep was interrupted and not quality by any means, and I was crying in the shower because my entire body ached every morning. I knew I was putting on weight as my clothes got tighter and my joints got so stiff that it was difficult to get out of bed. I was embarrassed to be seen in public, especially by people who knew me as a health coach, fitness teacher, or anything related. Finding myself not wanting to leave the house, I knew it was getting really bad and something had to change.
Finally, a friend (who I highly respect and admire) and I met for breakfast. I’ll spare you the actual conversation, but basically she told me I was living inauthentically and that she was done watching me hate my life. She gave me an amazing opportunity to get my shit together and get back to doing what I’m meant to do. She’s the first to tell me when I’m being an idiot but also the one to give me a loving nudge when she sees my confidence slipping. I’ll forever be grateful to her, of course, for opening my eyes.
But here it is you guys…the thing that I have consistently been saying for years is true and I have just tested it for myself.
IF YOU DO NOT STAND IN YOUR OWN CORE VALUES AND BELIEFS, YOUR CHOICES WILL REFLECT THAT AND SO WILL YOUR HEALTH.
I was allowing myself to crumble and spiral because I could not bring myself to stand up and say “THIS IS WRONG FOR ME”.
I settled for something that I really did not want because I could not bring myself to stand up and say “THIS DOES NOT ALIGN WITH MY VALUES”.
And I will tell you that these last 6 months after finally standing up and saying ENOUGH has been the BEST 6 months I have had in a decade. All of my choices have changed for the better without much effort, to be honest. I sleep so much better. I even started teaching fitness classes again, which I never thought I’d be able to do. My body is not where I want it yet, but it feels good to SEE the small changes, to FEEL the big changes, and to KNOW that I’m out of the spiral and back on track with building the life I have always wanted. My boundaries have firmed up and have gotten much easier to maintain. I say yes authentically and when I say no I mean it. I have SO many more tools in my collection to help stay on track…and to help you.
There are 3 main reasons that I’ve written this:
To explain my absence. This is about as vulnerable as I’ve ever been, and while I know I don’t necessarily “owe” an explanation, I know I’d personally have some trust issues if someone disappeared and then reappeared with no explanation.
To show you that even the experts fall sometimes. I knew all the things I could have done to keep me from spiraling, but as it turns out, I’m human and didn’t really see the spiral coming. I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I couldn’t see clearly. Asking for help wasn’t even on my radar - I really thought I could work through it on my own. But we all need help with things, whether its grief, finances, health, or relationships…and it is always okay to ask for it.
To hold myself accountable. I can’t promise that I’ll get it right all the time. I wouldn’t expect that from anyone else, so I won’t set that expectation for myself. What I will do, though, is to continue being honest and when life happens again, I’ll be a lot faster to ask for help.
Is every day full of sunshine and rainbows? HELL no. I do have my days where I start doubting myself, my capability, my support system. I allow myself to feel my feelings, talk through it, even ask for help if I need it…and then I remember why I do this and I keep going.
When have you had a time in your life where you needed to be reminded of who you are and what you’re capable of doing? Who was your person?
