Gratitude, Appreciation & Guilt
Disclaimer: It is not lost on me that people may roll their eyes right out of their heads while reading this. I’ve been rolling my eyes at myself for the past week or so while thinking about writing this. But it’s necessary for me to get this energy out of my head and into the Universe in the hopes that one person can see it, relate, and give themselves permission to move on from the guilt as well.
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I was feeling super bah-humbuggy about Christmas. We put the tree up with just the lights on November 1. Ornaments and other decorations went up the day after Thanksgiving, and I still couldn’t seem to get in the spirit. It finally occurred to me that I was frustrated with the fact that none of these kids seemed to need anything, and with the exception of the youngest, no one could even come up with something they wanted. These are all kids from divorce and they all have multiple families who I’m certain were struggling with what to do for them as well. The youngest, on the other hand, has just us and an endless list of Squishmallows, costumes, and Barbies that she doesn’t already have. Even so, seeing most of her stuff go untouched often, I couldn’t justify spending money just for more toys and stuffies to sit and collect dust.
The last few years I’ve been really pushing the experience type of gifts. To me they’re more meaningful, the memories last forever, and experiences were something that I didn’t have as a kid. So this holiday season my husband and I decided we were going to do experiences for all the kids. He likes to take his boys to different stadiums to catch a Brewers game, hang out for a weekend burping and farting and doing whatever else it is that dads and teenage boys do without moms around. I’ve been wanting to take my oldest to see the Friends Experience since we learned that it existed. My out of state kiddo and his family got their choice between 2 different memberships local to them that they could use for their family. And the youngest…well, she got a trip to Disneyland.
If we rewind 10+ years ago, I took my older two kids to Disneyland. Circumstances then were wildly different, and when I say I took them, I mean we were taken to Disneyland. I was not allowed to forget it either - you can read more about that time period here if you care to. Basically it was a miserable time for everyone except the younger of the two kids (the one that was the most manipulatable).
This time it would be different. I’d be going with someone who isn’t abusive. Someone who is an equal and doesn’t hold all the power in our relationship. And the opportunity to show our little one the absolute magic of Disney was because of US.
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2024 was a wild year. We sold our home and moved to a new city, a 45 minute drive away from the places we both grew up in. To some 45 minutes sounds like nothing, but here in rural Wisconsin, 45 minutes is a long drive. So much energy was spent making the transition as smooth as possible for the little one that I neglected to even think about how the move would affect me. After seeing that she was thriving in school, making friends, and adjusting quite well, I allowed myself to finally feel some feelings about all of the new-ness. Still working through them, actually, but I know that adjustments take time.
I adjusted my hours to help take care of our grandson, and with the new commute, my availability for my practice significantly decreased. Feeling isolated, lonely, and frustrated was bound to happen once reality sunk in. And the guilt trips from those who were also adjusting to my new lack of availability didn’t do much to improve my sense of confidence. I felt like I was letting everyone around me down, including me, and I hate that feeling. I like to be known as the person who does what they say they’re going to do, and when I can’t fulfill that I feel like a failure.
So when I realized that we could make this trip to Disneyland happen, I sold it to my husband quickly. He had never been to Disneyland or World, let alone California, his boys had been to Disneyworld at least once and are teenagers at this point, so the pressure to take any of the other kids wasn’t there. This would be the just the magic that I felt we all needed!
Getting off the plane and stepping out into the smog filled air made my eyes burn. The little one was so excited to not be wearing a winter coat and to see some palm trees that she didn’t seem to notice the air. I couldn’t tell if the smog was from the fires or just the normal amount of smog. But thinking about the money we had spent, just an hour or so away from the Palisades that had just completely burned punched me in the stomach so hard. Real people and animals lost their homes, all their belongings, and every sense of what they knew as home. And here we are parading around in decorative ears, spending $18 on an ice cream sundae for her to take 4 bites and be done with it. Thinking about just a decade or so ago when I was there, not paying attention to a damn thing other than not making the wrong face or showing enough gratitude for a churro, the guilt for not making that trip as carefree and fun as this one hit me, and boy did it hit hard.
Who the hell am I to be jetting off to California, taking my kid out of school, and spending this much money?! I don’t even have a “real job”. Now I’m spending my husband’s hard earned money on a frivolous trip?! I should be saving money, investing in my business, spending it on others, donating more, volunteering more, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Why wouldn’t I take the other kids anyway? Should I really be taking this time off?
As it turns out, I have some more mindset work to do. (Hint, we all have mindset work to do, always. It isn’t a static thing.)
My feelings about this trip were chock full of guilt. I allowed myself to feel this guilt, but I didn’t allow it to take over the trip. Here’s what happened instead.
I consciously shifted the guilt into appreciation.
Appreciation for the fact that I now have children who do not want for much. They have everything they need, and they never have to worry about their next meal. In fact, once upon a time I wished for the ability to go grocery shopping without a calculator and the budgeted envelope of cash in hand. Now I have a calculator everywhere I go and I don’t use it unless I’m looking to see if the bulk deal is a good one or not.
Appreciation for the ability to take a few days away without worrying about keeping my job or losing out on pay.
Appreciation for a supportive husband who sees the value in experiences vs things and thoroughly enjoys spending time with his family.
Appreciation for not being that couple we saw who were screaming at each other in the middle of California Adventure while the kids seemed unfazed by any of it, which can only mean that they’re used to the screaming or trying to disassociate from it (probably both).
Appreciation for a home to go home to, even if it isn’ t 72º here most of the year or Peter Pan isn’t putting his arm on my shoulder and making my heart a’flutter.
Appreciation for a body that moves, is capable of walking miles and miles in a day, standing in lines, and carrying backpacks and fanny packs and at times, an almost 7 year old child.
Appreciation for the sobriety my husband has found because if he were still drinking, we’d have both been drinking. Aside from the high prices of alcoholic beverages, a clear mind allows us to fully enjoy the experience.
Appreciation for the laptop I’m able to write this on, sorting through my thoughts in real time.
Appreciation and gratitude look very similar, but there are a few key differences.
Gratitude is expressing thankfulness for something or someone. Yes, there is gratitude in all of these things above, but appreciation is expressing the feeling of value of something or someone. Neither is better than the other. In fact, you could use them pretty interchangeably and no one would bat an eye. For me, this was deeper than just feeling thankful. This was an internal force that overpowered my heart and mind over and over throughout this trip.
At one point in time, all of these things were simply dreams. Things I wished for. Things I thought I would never see in my lifetime. Kids who didn’t have to carry the burden of poverty? A career that allows me to be flexible, let alone do things my way? A relationship that isn’t full of screaming and insults and abuse? A body that has found the things that care for it best, like tweaking my diet for what my body actually requires and ways to move with intention and purpose that don’t feel like torture? Absolutely WILD that these have come to fruition.
NONE of this was easy to come by. This is the result of years and years of one step forward, three steps back…trial and error…learning and unlearning…shifting and pivoting and for this anxious person, that might be the hardest part. Three things that kept me going:
1) Learning that language is one of the most powerful tools we have. Learning the language that gets us where we want to go is the ultimate super power. Even the thoughts we have count as the language we use, so use this power wisely. When we use negative language, our energy shifts. Our vibration decreases and, like a magnet, we are only able to attract that same frequency. Reframing our thoughts and language has the opposite effect, and in time, you’ll start to see the world around you shift positively as you raise your vibration.
2) Chronic illness does not have to be your death sentence. When your body feels like it is betraying you every step of the way, it is incredibly easy to host that pity party for one. It feels isolating, like you’re floating on an island and no one quite understands what life is really like for you. However, there is help out there. Discovering the foods that my body was desperately begging me not to eat or vice versa was hands down the very best tool I could add to my toolbox to combat my chronic pain and fatigue. Accepting the movements that my body likes versus forcing it to do things it doesn’t has made a world of difference in how I move, when I move, how often I move, and how much I enjoy it. Enjoyment typically means we’ll do it, by the way. Prioritizing quality sleep has made my mood swings far less frequent, my brain fog has started to clear, and everything just feels a little more figureoutable, even on the worst days. True healing comes from within, but if we don’t know what’s actually going on and why, how can we truly begin to heal ourselves? My full body health test is a great way to learn this information, and the information I present to you is easy to understand, with realistic and sustainable action steps you can take to start healing.
3) Always remember where you started, but don’t trip over yourself looking backward - keep moving forward. I don’t agree with those who say “never look back” or some version of this. Reflection is a powerful tool for emotional intelligence, motivation, and drive. Looking at where we came from and noting the differences on a regular basis can keep us from stumbling back more often than we realize. For instance, I mentioned above that I still have mindset work to do, and that’s because I can see where I can get stuck on feeling less-than, and even maybe allow that to hold me back from forward motion. This is simply an example of remembering where I started and continuing to move forward.
You will never find me up on some high horse about any of this. I share with you to show you that even those of us who are supposed to be “the expert" have our own struggles and have to do our own work to grow and thrive.
Going forward, I won’t apologize for spending the money or taking the time to give our daughter the memories that will last her a lifetime. I won’t apologize for treating my adult children to memories either. I will simply express my appreciation, gratitude, and recognize how very hard I have worked to earn these opportunities and how quickly they could all go away.
So, what are you grateful for today? And what do you appreciate?
