How Your Environment Affects You
Last night our dog got scared, ran into the wall, ran down the stairs and promptly peed on the floor next to the couch where I was lying with the baby. I smelled it, not realizing she had just done all that. And within seconds, my chest started pounding and tears came to my eyes. I jumped up and desperately tried to clean it up as fast as I could. Chuck got out the shampooer but it was too late. The smell was hitting those olfactory nerves and triggering an anxiety attack fueled by memories.
My childhood home was disgusting. Animal feces, grimy surfaces, clutter that was beyond clutter, and the smell of animal urine that I never even knew existed until later in life when I was let in on the “what we didn’t tell Kerri” club.
My friends knew. They knew I smelled like cat piss. They knew how filthy my house was. They just never acknowledged it.
It wasn’t until my teen years when I was out of that house that I started to realize just how bad it actually was. Not many other houses I had been in looked like ours, smelled like ours, functioned like ours. The more I visited other homes the more I understood that the way we lived was not healthy.
I can remember my mother picking me up from my first apartment for something, lunch maybe, and getting smacked in the face with the scent of cat urine the second I opened the car door. Whether it was in her clothes or a cat had just peed directly in her car, it smelled the same. That smell is one that lingers.
Having done trauma work on myself, most times I can smell urine and be fine with it. I don’t know what was different about last night, but it hit me hard. I was in tears as I came back from one particular memory, feeling stupid for not being able to control it but also ashamed for how I flipped out. I just held my baby sleeping in my arms a little bit longer, staring at her and wondering how anyone could ever hurt a child, especially their own.
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My two oldest kids spent most of their childhood was spent watching mom have a system for the sponges, towels, washcloths, and any other cleaning supplies. They knew that mom expected a certain level of cleanliness and that cleaning was the thing that mom did when she was upset. They’ll probably even tell you that mom moved the furniture around, rearranged the kitchen cupboards, and had air fresheners of all kinds.
What they couldn’t fully comprehend was why. They had no clue about the things that their mom endured as a kid, nor should they have. They’d never know that I color coded the sponges because I didn’t trust that there wouldn’t be a time that someone grabbed the pink one to clean up a spill when they should have used the blue one because the pink one was for washing dishes only. If someone had used the wrong one for the wrong thing, that would require me tossing them all and starting over and as a low income single mom, that just couldn’t happen.
How could they possibly understand that deep cleaning was the way that I cleansed my soul from whatever was ailing it? No matter what other garbage I was dealing with…late bills, the latest shitty boyfriend troubles, wondering how I was going to make it through the day without falling apart…cleaning was an escape. I could see real, tangible results and they were all in my control.
They’d never be able to wrap their tiny little brains around the reason why I moved things around all the time, like furniture. Not ever wanting my kids to look down and see dust bunnies was important to me, but also always striving to make their home just the tiniest bit better. Maybe all I could do at that time was move the couch to a different wall, or rearrange the dishes in the cupboard. But if I thought there was a chance that I could make their environment more organized, more aesthetic, then I would do that in a heartbeat.
Since those poor single mom days are over and I’ve acquired a few more kids and an almost husband, I’ve had to let go of some of the stringent expectations I had in place for my home. Clutter has become the norm rather than the exception, although the clutter I deal with now is toddler toys and a pile of junk mail on top of the microwave. With the two dogs I’ve given up on trying to keep up with all the hair and succumbed to adding “wipe down surfaces that have Kino slobber” to my list of to-dos.
There are definitely days that it gets to me more than others. It has taken him about 4 years to figure out that most of my anxiety is either because of messes or is solved by cleaning up messes. Just last weekend it looked like a Toys R Us had exploded in the living room. While baby ate her breakfast at the table with Dad, I started to pick up the mess. She asked what I was doing and Dad answered, “Mom is feeling anxious, so she’s cleaning to help herself feel better”. High five for the win!
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Our environment plays such a significant role in our choices. Clearly, my environment as a child affected my environment as an adult, and by default, my children’s. The importance of this is no joke. Not only do we function better when we are comfortable and happy in the place we are in, but our blood pressure goes down, our breathing becomes deeper and more efficient, our stress and anxiety is drastically reduced, and we can be ourselves, openly and freely.
I know for me, my environment is key to having a successfully happy day. This goes beyond the mess in my home as well. It includes the people I am with, the work I am doing, inside versus outside, my car versus my office, temperature, lighting, air quality, and so on. Most of us probably don’t think about these things being part of our environment, and we definitely don’t think about how we contribute to our own environment and that of those around us. We are part of their environment too, after all!
We can make small changes in how we treat the earth - the environment we share with 7 billion other people. Recycling, preserving natural resources, and reducing our carbon footprint are all things we can and ought to be doing.
But let’s think beyond that.
Choosing your team is in your power, and we talk a ton about that in the Live More: The Women’s Intensive 6 week program. If you choose to join us in January, you’ll get lots of tips and tricks to determine who is best suited as your main support system and who could maybe take a bench seat. But for those of you who are not able to join us, know that people in your life are not meant to fill every void for you. Some will be there for your emotionally, some want to help with acts of service, and some are just there to cheer you on.
Who are you on their team? Are you showing up in the way that feels best for you, or are you sticking around out of a sense of obligation, no matter how draining it may be? Checking in with yourself on how you show up for other people can be a pretty good start to figuring out just who are the best people to have on your support team. If you find that you’re not consistently showing up for a particular someone, that’s probably a good sign that the person is probably not one with whom you do not share a strong enough connection. After all, don’t we all want people in our corner who we connect with and trust?
Let’s move beyond people. Our homes and workspaces are most likely where you spend most of your time. We have the most control over our homes, of course, but there are ways to make your workspace more comfortable and inviting as well. Even something as simple as adjusting your computer screen so that it is eye level to save yourself from a strained neck can make a world of difference! Consider ways to change up your environment there, but also think about your commute. If you spend a lot of time in your car, think about how you can make that a little more comfortable. Some lumbar support, adjusting your seat and mirrors, downloading a book or putting together a playlist of your favorite songs from high school, or even making sure that you always have a spare lip balm can save you from long, antsy car rides.
Today I woke up a little cranky because I had some pretty vividly awful dreams. My grumpy pants stayed with me most of the morning until baby asked for the 1749th time this weekend to go to the park. This is not park season in Wisconsin. The last thing I wanted to do was get bundled up and head to the park, but I couldn’t stand being with myself anymore, so we put on our coats and boots and went to the park for an hour. The combination of the fresh air and hearing her little voice say, “Momma, I yike da park. Da park make me happy” was just enough to get me out of my funk and in a better place mentally.
A simple change like going outside for 10 minutes can really help to get rid of the crabbies. Vitamin d, fresh air, a smack of cold, and the body movement are all vital to our mental health already, so on the worst days its even more important to be sure to get a chance of scenery.
The last one I want to touch on is the clutter. I don’t care if we’re talking about the pile of junk mail, a full inbox, or a mental to-do list that never seems to end. Clutter is clutter is clutter, and clutter does us no good. However, it’s very easy to get sucked into the Clutter Cycle. When we look around (even inside our brain) and we’re so overwhelmed we don’t know where to start, it becomes so easy to say F it, right?
Dedicating just 5 minutes per day to whatever your clutter issue is going to make a huge dent, believe me. And if you don’t, go set a timer right now for 5 minutes and just sit there until it goes off.
Longest.
Five.
Minutes.
EVER.
Five minutes is both a lot of time and just enough time to make it a small commitment that doesn’t feel too daunting. You can do just about anything for 5 minutes…like, grab a trash bag, and start going through that pile of mail.
Or pick a room, bring an empty laundry basket, and start emptying it of things that don’t belong there.
Or pick an email address and unsubscribe from those newsletters you don’t ever open.
Or grab a damp rag or feather duster and hit the flat surfaces that haven’t been dusted in a long time.
And at the end of 5 minutes, stop.
You’ll have completed SO much more than you thought you could, and spent 5 less minutes of your day scrolling through social media, getting your daily dose of Becky’s duck lips and shower curtain.
Pay attention to where you spend the most time. Is it comfortable? Is it inviting? Is it anxiety relieving? Are the right people there?
If the answer to any of those is no, think about what you can do today to change that. And if you’re still struggling, reach out to me. I’d love to help you enjoy where you are!
