Grief.
We’re very quickly coming up on one year. Almost 365 days that I’ve been without my best friend.
She lived in Texas (I'm in Wisconsin), so we didn't see each other often enough…
…but she was always a phone call or text away. We met on a step parenting website (I wasn't even a step parent) in 2003-ish and immediately knew we were connected for life.
Our friendship had its ups and downs. At one point we didn't talk for about a year because I was in an abusive relationship with someone who had convinced me that she was the devil incarnate. I was a terrible friend at times, and she came with her own set of issues. (Don’t we all?)
We had planned for me to move down there after my (at the time) youngest graduated high school. The kids could obviously come with me if they wanted to, but I could start over. Houston provided many more opportunities than our small Midwestern town.
The week before she died, I was driving back from a work trip to Iowa. We would call each other often on long drives because it was a great time for us to catch up beyond what we could talk about through texting. I vividly remember getting about 20 minutes outside Cedar Rapids and thinking that I should call her. I looked at the clock and thought, nah, I’ll wait a bit. Turned on the music and drove…all the 5 hours home without ever calling her.
I would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her now.
It’s been almost 365 days of grief. The funny thing about grief is that it comes in such a wide variety of manifestations, and it can sneak up on you with a ninja-like attack. For instance, I went through a phase where I’d see “signs” of her wherever I went; the combination of a Texas license plate, Beastie Boys playing from my shuffle, even an OU hoodie that some stranger was wearing all in one day was comforting to me. Mindlessly scrolling through social media brings me to a meme that reminds me of her and instead of being able to send it to her immediately, I have to stop and remember that she won’t answer. Instead I post it on her tribute timeline, and the grief settles back into my chest like an elephant.
I loved her more than I think I ever was able to show her, and her death was a huge blow to me. It had me questioning who I was as a person, a friend, a mother, a partner, even as a health coach. I spent a lot of time feeling incredibly angry and anxious and heading toward some hurtful behaviors that I thought I had broken long ago.
I was angry at myself for not calling her. I was angry at myself for not making more of an effort to visit her. I was angry at myself for not realizing just how sick she actually was, or probably more likely, explaining it away as something else.
Months were spent obsessing over death. Was I going to die? Would my kids come home that day? Would Chuck make it to work on that foggy morning? What if we got sick and never recovered? What would life look like for them without me? What would it feel like if I knew I was dying…what beliefs would I change?
Talking about it was so difficult for a long time. I’d cry, choke up, and feel drained for the rest of the day each time. Eventually, it became easier to talk about her, about the circumstances, and about my grief. I don’t believe grief ever goes away. I believe that we just learn to cope differently, as part of the cycle.
So…why am I talking about this on my weight loss health coaching blog?
For several reasons.
1) To show you that I am, in fact, a real human being.
2) To show you that if you are grieving the loss of someone close to you, you are not alone.
3) I do not market myself as the Broccoli and Burpees Health Coach. I don’t do that is because if I genuinely believe that if someone isn’t eating healthfully, moving their body with purpose and intention, and generally taking care of their shell, there is a reason why. Something has happened that has gotten into their soul and sucked out the motivation, drive, confidence, etc., to even glance at a head of broccoli at the store. That is the shit that we work on together.
This is the shit that drives our behaviors. I mentioned above that I was headed toward returning to some old, unhealthy behaviors. Yep, me, the health coach. I was headed down a very slippery path and had I not reeled myself in, I may have completely fallen. I was grieving so hard and so much that taking care of myself was my last priority. Just making it through the day was difficult enough, I could not muster up the energy to think of myself. Besides, it made me feel selfish - I was still here and she was not.
Until I could start working through some of that, I was not going to prioritize the things that I knew would make me feel healthier. They felt too difficult, too out of reach, and too much to ask of me. I had to do the inner work first. I am absolutely, 100% still doing the inner work. This will be something that I do for the rest of my life, and much like you, there will be life circumstances that try to pull me under for a bit.
But I also know that I’ve been given a life raft. I just had to reach out to grab it.
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{If you or someone you know is grieving and needs to talk, please text the crisis line, free of charge and available 24/7.}
In the UNITED STATES:
Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime, about any type of crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform.
In CANADA:
Text HOME to 686868 in Canada to text with a trained Crisis Responder. All of the Crisis Responders are volunteers, donating their time to helping people in crisis.
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