Relationships: Helpful or Hurtful?
If we have learned anything this year, it is that our relationships can make or break us.
Personally, I’ve learned a lot about people in my life…their stance on politics, women’s rights, LGBTQ issues, minority equality, and even whether or not they prefer to support small, local businesses or not. The election year, the global pandemic, and all the things that come with those things seemed to be amplified to the max, and we are still in the middle of all of it, with no end in sight. Because of the heat of these things, I have had to make the choice to step back from or even end some relationships.
If you go back and read my blog I Knew I Needed Help, I think you’ll begin to understand why healthy, respectful, and kind relationships are the only ones I have room for. We do not need to agree on every topic known to mankind, but we do need to have the ability to hear each other, to empathize with the other’s experiences and perceptions, and to have the ability to find common ground on other issues so that the entire relationship is not spent feeling gross or draining. This is my boundary, and I am not saying that it needs to be anyone else’s. For me, this is necessary.
I think there are, however, three basic rules to healthy relationships. We can call them The Agreements.
Agreement #1: The Agreement to Have Kind Disagreements
This is basically a really nice way of saying “Don’t be a dick”. It is utterly absurd to think that we could have a relationship with anyone without ever disagreeing about something. Our past experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, perceptions, and even our cultural influences will never match someone else’s perfectly. I’m certain it feels like in a world of 7+billion people that this is impossible…but you truly are one of a kind.
Keeping that in mind, being respectful and kind during disagreements is a non-negotiable rule for healthy relationships.
Agreement #2: The Agreement to Be Active Listeners
Have you ever been in a conversation, watching the other person nodding along with whatever you’re saying, and then their turn to talk arrives and it is almost like they didn’t hear a word you said? Yep, me too. I know how it feels to be on the unheard side; like you just wasted your breath, your time, and that what you had to say wasn’t valued by the other person at all.
And I’ve also been very guilty of being the person who wasn’t listening. Actively listening requires dedication, commitment, and truly is a learned skill. In this case, practice does truly make perfect. A great way to start is to commit to listening to what the other person is saying AND that you will not respond until you count to 10. Doing this ensures that you are focused on the words that you are hearing instead of what you are going to respond with. Go ahead and try this in your next conversation. Most people are surprised at how much they tune out!
By being an active listener, you are validating what the other person is saying as valuable, and in doing so, validating them as valuable. Practicing this in every conversation from here on out will only strengthen your relationships. You’re building trust, mutual respect, and showing that you are someone who genuinely cares.
Agreement #3: The Agreement to Walk Away When It No Longer Serves a Purpose
This is a tough one. I know. I’ve stayed in far more relationships much longer than what was healthy, far more times than I care to admit. I’d like to say that this gets easier, but it really doesn’t. No matter the circumstances, ending a relationship requires a grieving process. Some are definitely more difficult to go through than others, but acknowledging that there is some form of the grieving process helps.
How do you know when it’s time to call “time of death” on a relationship? Only you can be the ultimate decider of this, but for me there are a few ways to know.
In romantic relationships; when being touched makes me feel dirty or gross, when we are in the same fight that just feels like Groundhog Day, when I start fantasizing about being single again, and for those whom I’ve lived with…I start mentally rearranging my furniture. Weird, maybe, but true.
In friendships; when spending time together leaves me feeling drained, watching the clock, or making up awful excuses to get out of hanging out. Also, when they show huge signs of taking more than they give. I don’t need a whole lot, but I do start shutting down when I notice that a “friend” only comes around when they need something.
Now, if you know me in real life, you know that I do not have a relationship with my mother or many members of my biological family. Some disagree with my decision to end that relationship 7 years ago, but for me and my family, it was a necessity. There were boundaries that had been consistently blown apart my entire life, and as they started to affect my children, I had to draw a hard line. Other members of my family had major issues with this and attempted to guilt me out of my choice, even resorting to name calling and gossiping, so I chose to end those relationships as well.
When the unhealthy relationship is a family member, how can you just end it? I can’t answer that for you. But what I can tell you is that despite shared DNA, you deserve nothing but respect and love in all of your relationships. When a relationship, even with a family member, becomes dangerous to your health, it is time to evaluate the need to retain it.
Toxicity doesn’t fall into neat little boxes; it spreads like mold into all crevices and if left too long, will creep into other areas of your life. Stress levels increase, especially when the relationship is one that affects you often. When we are feeling stressed, our immune system is compromised, our nutrition tends to suffer, we don’t move our bodies in intentional and purposeful ways, we lack sleep (or get too much), and so on. All of these things keep us from being the healthiest versions of ourselves, physically and emotionally. Ultimately, we are wanting to be the healthiest versions of ourselves we can be so that we can enjoy life to the fullest, right? So if we’re spending all our time and energy maintaining relationships that no longer serve us, what is the point of doing anything else to be healthy?
Essentially, the most important thing to remember is that you are in control; you get to decide who is on your team and who gets benched. I urge all my clients to choose the best players for their teams, filling all the different roles/positions, and drafting as necessary. Allowing toxicity into your life will permeate those efforts. Healthy relationships will only lift you up to the highest levels, helping secure your position as the best version of you.
What relationships in your life are serving you, and which could add to the quality of your life by ending?
If you’d like some help with this, please feel free to set up a free 30 minute call with me.
