Mom Guilt
To say that there have been a few out-of-my-control things happening lately is the understatement of the decade. However, there have been a few out-of-my-control (OOMC) things happening lately in my life and the anxiety has started to creep back in.
For me this means obsessive behaviors, including but not limited to, extra snacking on less than stellar foods, limited body movement, and making excuses for the craptastic choices. One or two days isn't the end of the world, but I knew I couldn't get stuck in the suck, so it was time to take action.
I had been taking CBD on a regular basis and feeling great. The anxiety was under control and I was able to react to those OOMC things in ways that felt healthier and didn't result in making people mad at me.
Then I started taking some other supplements that have been helping my inflammation like nothing else ever has...but that on top of the other supplements I take for my health, CBD, and prioritizing the other tools I have in my pocket, AND September being my "clean up the financial health" month, something had to go. Quality CBD is pricey, so it seemed like a good month to try to go without it.
That being said, Chuck (have I mentioned his name? No? Well, meet Chuck.) must have noticed that I was gearing up for an anxiety episode because he woke up to a whiteboard calendar list of chores that I wanted done around the house, including purging and deep dirty scrubbing. That is usually the number one indicator that I need to release tension.
He took the kids to the park - not even one they could walk to - and gave me time to get some of those things done. After a deep clean in the kitchen, where I spent the majority of my weekend putting groceries away, prepping, cooking, washing dishes, and generally hiding, I had time left over.
(Now, before anyone says “why wasn’t HE in the kitchen” or "why didn’t HE stay home and clean”, I’ll just go ahead and answer that. Because I wanted to be in the kitchen and I wanted to stay home and clean. That is my therapy.)
What the hell am I supposed to do with leftover time? How much do I have? Should I do something for me, or should I do something productive that I wouldn’t be able to do with a house full of people? What if I start something and they come home?
After a few trips up and down the basement stairs bringing up a few Halloween decorations at a time, rather than the whole storage tub, I decided that I’d start to put those things out. I turned on the 90’s playlist on my iTunes and started hanging up spider lights and placing skulls around the living room, secretly wishing I had the cajones to have them out all year.
And then they came home.
I immediately felt guilty that I wasn’t doing something more productive, like putting away the pile of laundry that was finished yesterday (I’m really trying to be better at this), planting those tiger lily bulbs, or even thinking of them and getting lunch ready for their return.
Wait.
Hold up.
GUILTY?
This is absurd.
I am not a maid.
I am not a waitress.
I am not a short order cook.
Yet, all weekend I was feeling that way and mumbling under my breath all passive-aggressive like in the kitchen.
All weekend I was feeling sad, anxious, angry, and frustrated without being able to name any of those feelings.
All weekend I was feeling resentful, taken advantage of and disrespected, and then feeling GUILTY for feeling any of those things.
Moms, women, caretakers…we tend to live in this world of guilt, don’t we? We feel guilty for taking time for ourselves, we feel guilty for not taking time for ourselves, we feel guilty for overthinking what we should do, and then feel guilty for wasting time overthinking.
This bullshit has to stop!!
Mom guilt is real. What we need to do, as a collective, is name it. Call it what it is.
And then start calling out the sources of it.
Media
Let’s talk about this, just for a brief moment. Next time you’re watching a sitcom or a movie…pay attention to the mom role. Is she strong and independent, or is she portrayed as busy, overwhelmed, sloppy, and even kind of dumb?
Society
As far as we’ve come, (RIP Notorious RBG), we still have far to go. We are held to different standards than our male counterparts. Hell, even as women ourselves, we (as a whole, not you and I) are sometimes downright cruel to other women who don’t live up to the “ideal”.
Pay attention to The Busy Badge Wearers. They typically can be found complaining about how busy their schedule is and they just don’t know how they’ll get it all done, make sure Timmy gets his 74 cupcakes baked and perfectly decorated for his surprise class party tomorrow, finish the laundry (washed, dried, and put away), and still have time to get through their 60 minute workout with their personal trainer.
Patriarchy
Enough said.
Outdated views and beliefs
Sometimes the pressure to be the perfect housewife, mom, caretaker, and employee comes from the people we love the most…our parents and grandparents. Just keep in mind that our world is very different from when they were raising their families. Shared DNA does not give permission to be hurtful.
Kids whining
As annoying as the whining can be, typically it is caused by one thing; the need for attention. I don’t know about you, but it actually took me 3 kids in to learn this. None of my children have ever been, are not, and will not ever be neglected, but there are times when they need to just WAIT. Unless the house is on fire, someone is bleeding profusely, or aliens have landed, there is nothing that can’t wait for 5 minutes. Do NOT feel guilty about teaching your kids manners and the notion that the world does not, in fact, revolve completely around them.
Spouses whining
See: Kids whining.
Most of all…the belief that we do not deserve to do anything nice for ourselves, anything to make ourselves feel happy, healthy, sexy, pretty, strong, intelligent, etc.
YOU are worthy of taking a shower, uninterrupted, with hot water AND soap, every day. This is not a luxury - this is survival.
YOU deserve to not have every minute of your day planned out for other humans and their needs.
YOU are allowed to breathe; stop what you’re doing and take a deep, deep breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, and repeat.
YOU may wear whatever. the. fuck. you want to. If it makes you feel good and it doesn’t get you arrested, GET IT!
YOU do not need permission to learn new things, change your mind, say yes when you want to, say no when you don’t want to, eat a piece of chocolate after 7pm, skip your pushups in lieu of 12 oz curls, go without a bra, speak up when you disagree, ask for that raise, go for that promotion, start your own business, decide to change careers, have babies or not have babies, or to be happy.
Until I learned these things…until I started to truly believe them because I took a chance and prioritized myself…I was bound to get stuck in the Mom Guilt mindset. As you can see, I even fall back into it from time to time. But I now have the strength and ability to not get stuck in the suck and pull myself out with minimal help from others.
After working with me, and even during, I have seen women change careers, start new relationships, end old toxic ones, figure out who the fuck they are and start living their life.
Want to be one of those women, or are you content feeling guilty every time you think of yourself?
If you are looking at this list and thinking, “I can? I am? I do?” - you have approximately 16 hours to get in on the FREE 5 sneak peek of my signature program where you’ll get the tools and start to build the confidence to actually start implementing some of these freeing behaviors in your own life…but you have to go NOW to sign up! Doors close tonight.
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